Some are works in progress; some are not. Feedback and critique are welcomed on everything.
Monday, November 1, 2010
Frustration
Dammit, this isn’t what I wanted. The love is there, fat glossy in-chest balloon filled with warm scent of newly-mown lawns at summer gloaming. But the wanting- wishing-not-getting time lets my air out in a needy helium whine.
Thanks for your terrific feedback on my One Shot poem this week (Rosemary). Are you linking this poem to One Shot as well?
I liked the first line of this, and follow the balloon filled warmth, but the mixed metaphor (balloons with grass & summer) maybe could be worked out a bit more. The ending is nice, how it ties back to the balloon theme ("air," "helium whine"). Good work here!
..came by terresa as well..and i'm amazed at your fine critique over there and also about your writing. i like the picture of the balloon as sth that you want badly and yet for whatever reason can't grab/get that easily
Thanks for your terrific feedback on my One Shot poem this week (Rosemary). Are you linking this poem to One Shot as well?
ReplyDeleteI liked the first line of this, and follow the balloon filled warmth, but the mixed metaphor (balloons with grass & summer) maybe could be worked out a bit more. The ending is nice, how it ties back to the balloon theme ("air," "helium whine"). Good work here!
i just came across your critique of Teressa's poem...thought it was absolutely brilliant...just wanted to say thanks for that...pete
ReplyDelete..came by terresa as well..and i'm amazed at your fine critique over there and also about your writing. i like the picture of the balloon as sth that you want badly and yet for whatever reason can't grab/get that easily
ReplyDeletecheer up.
ReplyDeleteyou deserve the best.
lovely blog,
your poetry is divine.
smiles.
xxx